It Was Supposed To Be Bread…

Envy is a dangerous emotion. Everyone has their talents right? Baking is not among my talents but it certainly doesn’t seem to stop me or hold me back from trying. That emotion was the driver of my proverbial bus when I chose to bake bread.

Thankfully enough, some years have gone by since I’ve done this but I have to say, it was funny. Stupid, but funny. Do you have friends that can bake something so perfect, it looks like it came to life right out of a magazine? I’ve got a friend like that. She makes THE best bread. Other people buy Christmas presents to give out at Christmas time. My friend, bakes bread. That’s already telling you something right?

God love her but this chick can make a roll that is as big as my hand, in circumference! I don’t have small hands. I’ve got average hands for a woman but these rolls are huge. You could skip an entire meal and have a couple of her rolls with butter. I kid you not, no exaggeration, they melt in your mouth. “Mmph, mmph, mmph, ‘What’chu talkin ’bout?'” I digress. That was a bit of a Southerner coming out in me.

I tried to convince, plead, beg, cajole, hoodwink, and bribe her into making bread. Nothing worked. She wouldn’t do it. Mimicking a whine, “She said she was too tired. It’s a lot of work. She wasn’t in the mood.” This is when I told myself….how hard can it be? I see you giggling.

So I got myself a recipe. I looked at the list of ingredients and said, “Yeah, I got all that. I’m good. Nothing to it.” I went down the list and ingredient by ingredient, I added each one. Sshh! I heard that. After I added the flour, sugar, yeast, milk, eggs and stirred it up, then I read the directions. That would be about the time I whispered, “Oh, s**t!” Head nod up and down… yep, I did…I added the same ingredients into the same bowl on top of what I had already put in there. See, what-had-happened-was, I was going to save it. Or at least, so I thought. I put the blender in the bowl and I tried to mix it see, but it didn’t quite work. I caught a clue of just how bad it was when the mixer burnt out and started smoking. The dough that was supposed to be in the bottom of the bowl had worked up to be on top of the beaters.

I ain’t even going to lie ya’ll. It wasn’t even dough anymore, it was glue. I threw the bowl, the dough, and the mixer away. There is a reason why envy is among the seven deadly sins.

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